When you hear that ringing in your ear...
When it's complete silence and you hear the crackling of the wooden floor panels and the random non-seqential lights flashing through your window; do you ever just pause...
Pause...
Pause...
Pause so unknowingly that you notice... and you notice so unexpectedly it ruins your breathing pattern... You try to pace the lungs again but you can't... You get scared
Scared that you may never figure out the sequence of inhales and exhales... that it may never be natural again as it was before... but you get distracted... thank the creator for your distraction... but damned the distraction... damn the distraction which is a thought... the thought that keeps you up all night... the thought that burns holes in your mind so deep and so heavy that you want to express it physically... but you can't...
You can't and you probably won't because you're too tired and lazy; it's been a long day but you don't want to think about that nonsense... you want to think about more important nonsense...
Nonsense like why... why does he or she if you're female... not just get it? Why cant s/he just be understanding... and just love me... I just want the love can they not see this? I work hard to be right and to be perfect...
You fail to realize or maybe its more of denial that you are really trying much too hard to push for what you want... sometimes you just have to say fuck it and leave it alone... then maybe later come back to it and it'll be yours... Yours to keep? maybe but highly unlikely... you never really get to keep things anymore... because if its not on you its somewhere else... then it belongs to the space it occupies... my shoes are mine but they are the floors when they are not on me...
I hate tomorrow and tonight and maybe yesterday too, well maybe not so much since it was yesterday and its over... but it does bring memories of being so I'm still undecided...
We'll think of things to make us happy... the thoughts of separating ourselves from ourselves seems so impossible but it really isnt... you forget you have a mind... your mind thinks and your thoughts take you away... you zone out... zoning out is your safari so explore the lands you know nothing of but you know everything about... why do you know so much? Is it because these were the things taught to you by the programmers? Who programs anyways?
We're machines that look prettier than all the other ones... just machines... robots who are impressionable and tell me you're not a robot... why are we robots? We do things but without meaning... we have no strategy for the answer of life... why are we working? why are we creating? just to do it?
I don't like being fixed... I'd rather stay broken and think the way I do... it's the only reason why I stay sane and sanity isnt always great because you'll believe him or her and what if that sanity is wrong... are you insane then? theres too many things to consider these days... too many obstacles and variables and things we should be avoiding... so much lined yellow tape... and borders that dont exist... who's to say we need to do something to to become something?
You're fine you're here already... just keep going and maybe youll find it... the answer to the meaning of life that is... I have yet to find the answer although I have my theories... but thats for another writing... so sleep, close your eyes... and dream what I just dreamt... I'm sharing with you.
Jep Martin Loberiza
